Money: Meet Mouth

I met a woman. THE woman. The one you never think will really come along so you prepare yourself for the fact that you’ll end up settling for the closet alternative.

And really, that may be kind of ideal. You never really anticipate your soul mate showing up in your inbox. You definitely don’t consider the implications of what happens when she does. Few of us operate on the day to day with everything to lose.

I never have. I’ve never edited every text I send four times. I’ve never paused before everything I say to consider the second and third order effects. I’ve never checked my nose hairs and ear hairs every time I leave the bathroom. This is a sad but true conclusion: I’ve never cared that much.

I care about her more than anything in the world. And I think, especially for a man, that’s a particularly vulnerable place to be. We all like to fall back on the “fuck-it’s.” We accept less than perfection from ourselves because we don’t see or care to see it in our partners. So “fuck it.” We allow ourselves this notional gray area to operate in because she can’t really ask THAT much of us. I’m not throwing stones. I’ve lived in that glass house for a very, very long time.

I don’t want to be that man anymore. She doesn’t deserve that. And frankly, I don’t think she would accept it. She is the blessing that I’ve prayed for every night since I felt I could even ask for it. And I won’t repay God or her for that blessing by giving her anything less than what she deserves.

This is where it gets creepy though.

I’m saving for the ring.

No, I’m not going to propose soon. I concede my batshit craziness. However, I’m not stupid.

$250 a paycheck. Its enough that it stings. It’s so much that I’ll lose my house. It’s a tangible representation of the fact that I love her more than money. I love her enough to plan for our future. I love her enough to forgo starbucks in the morning to make her smile in some distant future. I love her  enough that the moment I have any inclination that she’s willing to spend the rest of her life with me — there will be no hesitation. There won’t be grumblings about money. There won’t be any reason to waste a moment without my ring on her finger. Just a check happily written and signed by the luckiest man in the world.

I met a woman. And I have plans for her. Shiny ones.

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